She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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