my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
