Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
