Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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