Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
