My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Be still, my beating vagina.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
