You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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