His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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