Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
