If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
