Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
