dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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