Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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