I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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