its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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