Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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