hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
