If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
