Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
