Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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