I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
