a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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