New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
