When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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