Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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