Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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