I can't watch pbs sober anymore
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
