I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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