I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
