I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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