i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize