He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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