K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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