Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
