Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
