the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she told me i tasted like america
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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