Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
