Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
