Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
