Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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