I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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