I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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