Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
