My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
