After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
