This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My life is pants optional.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
