my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
