eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
As shirtless as possible
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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