Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
