I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize