If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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