just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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