Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Need sex. Gaining weight.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
