man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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