After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize