just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
