I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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