ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
