Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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