i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
