On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
