so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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