I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
