I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
